It is said that autistic people focus more on details than on overall picture. I guess for me that’s true when I try to complete task and come accross a challenge, I then focus on the effor needed to overcome the challenge more than on the gratification I can get from completing the task and often end up feeling very stressed. It feels, in a way, like it’s not worth it, even if I know I’ll benefit a lot from completing that task.

However, in other situations it seems like the small details are not that important as the overall picture. When I had my housekeeping shift two days ago, I was finding it very difficult to remember about arranging toiletries nicely in the bathroom: after cleaning all the room it just didn’t seem that important how they are arranged, even though it probably is important for the first impression. I also kept forgetting if I filled up the tea and coffe making corner: is there enough teabags, sugar, milk. I had to check everything a few times as I just kept forgetting.

I’d be much happier if I could just remove bedding, towels, rubbish and clean any big mess and then leave the rest for someone else to make the room look nice. That could possibly make other housekeepers job easier, however, that’s not how hotels work and it’s sad I don’t even have anyone to ask if they would like to try this arrangement.

I’m still waiting for my criminal record checks for my care jobs and I somehow worry if I manage in this line of work. What I realised when working in the hotel was, that I didn’t feel different there: my contact with people was so limited that when I had to talk to someone I felt completely at ease with that. This is definitely something that I would like to continue to experience in my workplace, while in care I often felt out of place and like I had to make extra effort to cope socially, although live in care was much easier in that respect.

I’m preparing parcel for my mum, with all the clothes she left here and some that I bought for her. Yes, I know, I was meant to do that a few weeks earlier but couldn’t get through all the information about sending parcels after brexit while I was also looking for work. It turned out I had to fill in CN22 form for the customs clearance and the area that I have for describing what the parcel contains is really small, just a bit bigger than a credit card, while at the same time I have to give detailed description: not just ‘clothes’ but ‘primark women top, brown women tracksuit bottom’. I don’t know how I’m going to fit description of all the items! There are like 20 of them. Possibly I’ll just count all the tops and all the trousers and describe them as ‘women trousers’ and ‘women tops’ but you know what designing the form this way means to me? Sending parcels with numbers of small items which are all different is not permitted.

Otherwise I’m doing fine, I suppose. It’s finally getting a bit chilly but surprisingly I am managing without putting heating on. I’m normally oversensitive to cold so it is a bit surprising but I really am quite ok.

I contacted the council a few days ago regarding my ‘care needs assessment’. I really would like someone who would remind me to read all the letters I keep receiving, tidy up and pay my service charges on time (service charges are only payable every three months so I can’t set up direct debit for them – in my head it doesn’t make sense and I almost always pay them late, sometimes a few weeks late). A lady called me today regarding that and she was slighty too polite. I found that patronising. She asked me how I’m doing now. ‘The same’ – I replied. I was not sure what else she was expecting.

Overall I feel loads of my executive functioning issues (that means being late with bills, not asking for refund for things or services not working properly, not tidying up) is, because I live too much in my head. I’m very preocupied with my thoughts and ideas and don’t want to be bothered by external reality.

But then I usually clean before The Boyfriend comes over. The Friend says that’s not feminist at all, but then you know what I think? At least I have motivation to do that and it then stays fairly clean for the next couple of days. My mum was actually laughing at me, when she was here, that I need two boyfriends, visiting every three days, my flat would always be clean then. Two boyfriends would be difficult to manage but possibly I could clean before the support worker comes over.

I also finally called mum’s care home. I didn’t want to call them earlier, I can’t really explain why. All the nurses feel like cerberus to me, even though they are actually nice. Possibly it’s because I didn’t learn how to play the role of a daughter in front of them. It feels like I’d be judged for being myself.

I got my mum’s mobile fixed when I was in Poland so I was trying to call her this way but I think she only answered twice. And to be honest, she wouldn’t be able to tell me if her health deteriorated. So after like 3 weeks of me not contactibg them it felt like:

1. If mum got unwell they’d call me to tell me that

2. They must think I’m a bad daughter who thinks that if she pays for mum’s care she doesn’t need to be involved in any way.

Obviously the 2. is not true. I just find it very difficult to appear caring and interested in front of someone who I don’t know and I worry I may again say something that would be misinterpreted.

So yes, they called to say mum’s got Covid, but she’s recovering. She’s in isolation. It’s not sure who she got it from as everyone else, including staff, is negative. That’s a bit strange, but then I can’t go there and investigate so I’ll just need to hope for the best.

And actually the lady I spoke with was nice and explained to me I need to be in touch. Well, I kind of knew that of course, yet my own fears took over.