I deleted a post yesterday. It was about some of my not very positive experience regarding the situation I am in. I have difficulties deciding what is appropriate to write about here, considering I do not want to create an impression of toxic positivity, and what is going to be seen as a moan. I guess we all experience disappointment at one point or another and become disillusioned with authority figures.
I can at times be rather challenging when I’m not happy about something and the strange thing is, it used to work for me quite well for years as people would suddenly take my view into consideration after I challenged them. I wouldn’t say it was good for me though as I would first need to get really upset to challenge someone and then, after they started treating me better, I’d get upset that they ignored me when I was nice and polite.
Lately, however, it doesn’t seem to work any more. I don’t know why. Possibly, after the situation with Home Group (aka The Company) I’m too sensitive about any perceived injustice and I become challenging too early on so the person on the other side doesn’t get to see they mistreated me in any way, or possibly, due to my age (43) I am being seen as having signs of menopause and therefore I’m being ignored?
Having a blog that is in part devoted to communication puts me in a position where I should focus on being better communicator myself. I’m not sure, however, how this can be achieved without external support.
I often have the impression that people don’t listen to what I have to say and the reason is, apparently, what my therapist in 2015 used to say (that was just before I realised I’m autistic) I’m not confident enough. I did tell her I felt confident, it’s just people treat me like if I’m not and she just totally dismissed that explanation.
I did realise since then that being confident means (for neurotypicals) having certain body language and tone of voice. I didn’t have it. And, funnily enough, that was at the time when I still put loads of effort into what is called masking (when an autistic person makes an effort to behave like everyone else).
I wish people didn’t focus that much on my body language and tone of voice and instead just listen to what I have to say. I wonder why this is so difficult to achieve.