I think I developed some form of mild depression. I just did a test online and received 13 points out of 27, so nearly half. When I first got the idea that I may be autistic that was what puzzled me the most: my mood. I was sure that autistic people don’t have any mood fluctuations because, well, they’re autistic so they don’t have mood at all, everything they do is automatic and never involves emotions.
I feel so bad about my mum being in a care home. I know it’s the best option for her but the fact that it had to come to that. It feels like our family is ending, I can’t go home any more, I can’t talk to mum any more, she’s unable to provide support. It feels like I’m facing a massive void: our family is ending and there’s nothing else to replace it.
I woke up at 1am today and decided to try to sleep with an eye mask that I was given when I was in the hospital in Weston-super-Mare, but I don’t know if I actually fell asleep again or not. It feels like it would be a long time to be awake till 7am and not notice that, so I think I probably got at least a bit of sleep during this time.
I have another 3 interviews today though I don’t really want any of those jobs, only going there to practice interview skills. I feel, however, like I shouldn’t start any job at all, I should just stay in bed and dwell on my loneliness.
Even though I didn’t spend much time with mum during the last several years, I always had this idea that she is out there somewhere and if I come home she’ll serve me a plate of hot soup. Sometimes she’d come to the station in Tomaszów to pick me up after my travels. What I did a couple of times was, instead of going straight home during my annual leave, I went travelling first but I travelled towards Poland.
I went to Austria twice this way, coming back through Prague, once to Luxembourg and I travelled through Germany to Wrocław and once to Lithuania. Actually, in Lithuania mum joined me. She came by coach and we spent a few days in Vilnius and then Kaunas. This is never going to happen again. I don’t know how I’m going to cope.
It feels now like it will be just work, nothing else. There’s nowhere to travel to now. My home is where I’m now but there’s no one waiting for me here.