This is what I realised when I was sorting issues in Poland: when I have to do something I focus on obstacles much more than on where I want to be. Even when the issue is small, in my mind it becomes a massive problem. That was probably why I didn’t try to apply for jobs when I stopped enjoying my last employment – having to fill in an application form is very stressful for me and then I’d have to be available to answer phone calls. It seemed like more effort than staying in the job I didn’t like even though looking for another job would only be temporary.

Just today I had to order pressure sores dressings for mum (meds are not free for seniors in Poland, like they are in the UK) so I found a company online that makes them and ordered a pack. Online shopping is not as easy in Poland as it is in the UK, one can’t usually pay by card or PayPal (although PayU is available but I don’t have an account there) and the most popular payment method is bank transfer.

So I ordered those dressings and after checking confirmation email I realised there’s no delivery address there. So I emailed the company to confirm it, which they did, and then, when it came to payment, I had to type 26 digits account number, order number and the amount into the online banking and I was like: I’m not doing this! Why this is so difficult!

Obviously mum needs those dressings and even though the process was not as easy as I’m used to on eBay or Amazon, it only took me a few minutes so why it was such a problem? Even now, a few minutes later I feel quite stressed and ideally I’d contact the company to ask for refund only because they didn’t make the process of ordering and payment easy enough.

Funnily enough I never came across description where the above would be listed as autistic trait, although I suppose focusing on details instead of bigger picture can apply here, but for me it seems to only happen when those details are obstacles I need to overcome.

I wonder what can be done about that. I am only starting to realise now how limiting that can be, but at the moment it feels like it will be too difficult for me change. I wonder whether visualisation of the desired outcome could help me with all the stress? I’m just trying to imagine the dressings being delivered and thinking about my mum’s wellbeing…

Ok, it does help when I am focused on visualisation but as soon as I finish I feel like I want to ask for refund, only because the process of ordering wasn’t straightforward enough. I wonder if this problem will go away eventually, now, after I realised I have it.