That’s what I just read in an article about how to look for a job after one has been fired. Well, I hope this is actually true because right now it feels like it’s just me.

And anyway, here you are, me waking up early with anxiety again. I did apply for approximately 10 jobs yesterday and some recruiters already called me but I don’t really feel that happy. It seems like that glass jar, that I mentioned here before, is closing around me again.

It’s been quite a while since I felt happy in my last job. Despite what is being said about autistics and our need for routine, I actually have strong desire for new experiences and that job didn’t meet that need at all. I only have myself to blame for the fact that I didn’t try to meet that need in some other way. With what happened with The Company, after I left a secure job because I wasn’t able to get leave over Christmas and then all those problems happened, I told myself this is just me, putting myself into trouble because I’m autistic and I need to control that need before it destroys my life.

But then, is that true that my need for new experiences destroyed my life before? I have some interesting stories to tell due to that need and it made me try new things, like travelling or working as live in carer where I loved seeing other people live in their own homes and how they organised their life and how it often differed from what I would do.

Regarding The Company, instead of saying to myself that I made some bad decisions and had a bit (or a bit more than a bit) of a bad luck, I explained everything that happened to me by the fact that I am autistic and I tried to silence myself as a result.

I suppose I am a bit different here as my need for security may be not as strong as it is for other people but does that mean I should impose it on myself in an attempt to become ‘less autistic’? The truth is I like feeling like there is a bit of a change in life and that I have a choice. My last job didn’t offer that to me at all, and don’t get me wrong here, I’m not blaming anyone for that, it just wasn’t that type of place, that’s it.

I need to think about how to meet my need for freedom and choice when I look for jobs, otherwise I’ll never be happy again.