Everyone puts themselves into trouble sometimes

That’s what I just read in an article about how to look for a job after one has been fired. Well, I hope this is actually true because right now it feels like it’s just me.

And anyway, here you are, me waking up early with anxiety again. I did apply for approximately 10 jobs yesterday and some recruiters already called me but I don’t really feel that happy. It seems like that glass jar, that I mentioned here before, is closing around me again.

It’s been quite a while since I felt happy in my last job. Despite what is being said about autistics and our need for routine, I actually have strong desire for new experiences and that job didn’t meet that need at all. I only have myself to blame for the fact that I didn’t try to meet that need in some other way. With what happened with The Company, after I left a secure job because I wasn’t able to get leave over Christmas and then all those problems happened, I told myself this is just me, putting myself into trouble because I’m autistic and I need to control that need before it destroys my life.

But then, is that true that my need for new experiences destroyed my life before? I have some interesting stories to tell due to that need and it made me try new things, like travelling or working as live in carer where I loved seeing other people live in their own homes and how they organised their life and how it often differed from what I would do.

Regarding The Company, instead of saying to myself that I made some bad decisions and had a bit (or a bit more than a bit) of a bad luck, I explained everything that happened to me by the fact that I am autistic and I tried to silence myself as a result.

I suppose I am a bit different here as my need for security may be not as strong as it is for other people but does that mean I should impose it on myself in an attempt to become ‘less autistic’? The truth is I like feeling like there is a bit of a change in life and that I have a choice. My last job didn’t offer that to me at all, and don’t get me wrong here, I’m not blaming anyone for that, it just wasn’t that type of place, that’s it.

I need to think about how to meet my need for freedom and choice when I look for jobs, otherwise I’ll never be happy again.

One response to “Everyone puts themselves into trouble sometimes”

  1. I think it should, at least in theory, be possible to have a job that offers a sense of security and routine while at the same time having opportunities to do new things. Maybe that possibility for change would be easier to find with agency work.

    Liked by 1 person

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