My emotions are so raw now. I don’t want to go anywhere, I feel so bad for leaving my mum now, when she needs me more than anything. She has care but… I need to be able to see her. To see how she’s coping.

To see how much she changed.

What if she doesn’t recognise me next time I’m here? I really didn’t want to believe that, it’s just normal aging I thought, she never was too bright to begin with. But now it’s really something different. And yet I have to leave.

I was told off today by a carer that mum doesn’t have enough clothes. Well, she never had many, she didn’t want clothes. A few days ago I got her two pairs of jumpers and two pairs of tracksuit bottoms on top of what she had and that’s still not enough. Well, I suppose it isn’t. I need to make her a clothes parcel when I’m back, at least now she doesn’t seem to protest.

It will be my last night in this hostel. I feel rather grateful that I found it. It’s quite cosy, that’s really good, considering the price and also the area is nice.

I also had my last lunch today in ‘homemade dinners’ place, this one where me and mum used to eat if we went shopping and didn’t get back home before lunch. It was Polish white borscht with chanterelle mushrooms and unfortunately I didn’t like it much. White borscht can be done in variety of ways, the most traditional way is to mix some rye flour with water and put it aside till the thing turns bad, this mixture is then used to cook the soup. Hard to say who came up with that. I don’t really like that funky flavour, but I like the more modern version made of mixture of flour and kefir and cooked when fresh. Unfortunately that was the traditional one and it didn’t come to me to ask before ordering. I didn’t really know what to do so I just ate it.

I wish someone came and said some kind and soothing words to me, I wish someone hover around for a bit like my mum used to do when I had problems. I wonder if that would change a thing, I wonder if I stopped having the feeling that I deserve to be punished because I feel emotions that I don’t know what to do with.