I spent today running the last of my errands. Mum insists on me to pay her bills, which are technically my brother’s now as it’s only him who lives in the house, but everything is registered on her. It’s not always easy to pay the bills online here and I have the impression that there’s more of them here. For example there is a separate bill for water and waste water and more over the providers are different too!
Mum insisted on me to pay till the end of this year. She said my brother will pay later. I wish to see that.
I’ll see mum the last time tomorrow. The rest of my trip is pretty much arranged: I’m taking the train to Kraków on Saturday, staying two nights in a hostel dorm (I purposely chose one with curtains around beds) and flying back to the UK on Monday late morning, the first day of new travel regulations, when I don’t need to do covid test before boarding.
I feel sad. All day today, as I was walking through various parts of town I kept thinking that this is where I belong, at least in a way… This is where my home should be, I should have never left not only the country but even the area. Those are quite normal feelings for me, I have them pretty much every time when I come to visit but this time I’m also sad because I’m leaving mum without anyone close to take care of her, to bring her a fruit, pair of socks or instant cappuccino.
I kept having the urge several times today to grab my mobile and blog about my feelings for a bit, like I used to do when I just started but I must say I find it difficult to get used to the fact that people read my posts. Not that I don’t want them… I guess it’s much more complicated than that. In a way I want to be heard for who I really am, but then how do I know if this is really happening, how do I know that people don’t form opinions that I wouldn’t agree with? How do I know they’re not judging?
Possibly someone may say I’m immature, not being able to move on from the idea of mum taking care of me, but this is exactly how I feel. I’m not sure what’s behind my emotional reaction but possibly I subconsciously know that I’m unable to navigate external world the same way others do. Is mum able to help me? No, she’s probably even more clueless than me. Possibly her constant eagerness to help while at the same time having no idea how is what disables me even more but I don’t care now: I am grieving what I used to have.
I need to go back home, to the UK, find a job and take it from there. Please tell me that all will be well, that’s exactly what my mum used to do every time I put myself into troubles.