Is it possible to judge someone for their feelings, I’m wondering.

I did write in my recent post that I wonder if my readers may judge me for how I feel about my mum getting old. But then, this is my blog and what’s the point of creating yet another place where I cannot be myself? I suppose all my blogging effort is an exercise in being true to myself and I don’t want to stop it only because people may, once again, not understand.

I don’t even know how I feel exactly, which is apparently quite normal for an autistic person. I was actually surprised to find out a few years ago that people are supposed to know that. But when they do, how does it help them? Does that mean they know how to react?

And what if someone feels furious? Does that mean it’s ok for them to scream? I don’t know. I need to ask someone.

So I don’t know how I feel, appart from the fact that I feel pretty miserable. My mum is slowly disappearing and I’ll never get her back.

I’ll only have The Boyfriend now and The Friend but it feels like they’re both far away, so it’s kind of like I’m on my own really. I am trying to cheer myself up by creating another unusual Redecor design and it’s helping for a little bit, but then I think, the design will end up on the last place and I’ll again feel like no one understands me in the entire world. People will think again that I want my kitchen to really look like that, when I promise, I don’t, but what’s the point of designing normal looking kitchen, when we can see them all the time in real life?

I’m not going back. It’s been decided: I’ll stay here, in this hostel, till I run out of money for mum’s care, or what may happen quicker, till a school trip comes over and I’m told to leave.

OMG, what I’m even talking about?