Being true to myself

Is it possible to judge someone for their feelings, I’m wondering.

I did write in my recent post that I wonder if my readers may judge me for how I feel about my mum getting old. But then, this is my blog and what’s the point of creating yet another place where I cannot be myself? I suppose all my blogging effort is an exercise in being true to myself and I don’t want to stop it only because people may, once again, not understand.

I don’t even know how I feel exactly, which is apparently quite normal for an autistic person. I was actually surprised to find out a few years ago that people are supposed to know that. But when they do, how does it help them? Does that mean they know how to react?

And what if someone feels furious? Does that mean it’s ok for them to scream? I don’t know. I need to ask someone.

So I don’t know how I feel, appart from the fact that I feel pretty miserable. My mum is slowly disappearing and I’ll never get her back.

I’ll only have The Boyfriend now and The Friend but it feels like they’re both far away, so it’s kind of like I’m on my own really. I am trying to cheer myself up by creating another unusual Redecor design and it’s helping for a little bit, but then I think, the design will end up on the last place and I’ll again feel like no one understands me in the entire world. People will think again that I want my kitchen to really look like that, when I promise, I don’t, but what’s the point of designing normal looking kitchen, when we can see them all the time in real life?

I’m not going back. It’s been decided: I’ll stay here, in this hostel, till I run out of money for mum’s care, or what may happen quicker, till a school trip comes over and I’m told to leave.

OMG, what I’m even talking about?

3 responses to “Being true to myself”

  1. Even though I’ve been independently taking care of myself for yours, there’s something reassuring about knowing that my parents are there as a fallback if necessary. It would be scary to know that there was no fallback.
    Staying there in the hostel seems like it could make it easier to pretend you weren’t losing your mum as a fallback, but it wouldn’t actually change it.


    1. Yes, indeed, it meant a lot to me to have her, with her unconditional love. My parents had me quite late, I’m 43 now and mum is already 80.

      I mean, I am normally coping by myself, except of that one situation when I travelled to Poland during my first psychotic episode and my mum ended up taking care of me.

      It seems scary to go back now in a way, I am almost glad I lost my ID earlier and had to stay longer than initially planned. It feels like it gave me time to say goodbye for the life I used to have when mum was still well enough to take care of herself.

      It really isn’t easy, considering that my brother is an addict. I’m really glad I stayed, hopefully that will make things easier for me on emotional level.

      Liked by 1 person

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