I am hoping to get my ID card tomorrow and I could then have a look at return flights. If I come back on or after 4th of October I won’t need to do covid test before the departure, which seems like a massive relief to me (what if the test centre is closed, the result will be delayed or inconclusive and so on). The idea of test is a massive obstacle and makes me think that I just can’t do that so I think I’d rather stay a few days longer to make things easier… which then makes me think I’m some kind of a looser as I was here for long enough already.

It’s been the 3rd time when I feel stranded in Poland. The first time was when I travelled to stay with my family during my first psychotic episode and I lost my flat key. The thought that I’d need to organise locksmiths to get in was so stressful I just couldn’t cope with it so I kept staying with my partners. Which I think, in hindsight, was a good thing as, if I had the key and found it easy to go back, I wouldn’t be able to cope and would totally collapse, being on my own, with very little social support, forced to look for a job while having regular panic attacks while being scared to see psychiatrist because I’d be convinced everyone in the mental health system heard about me from The Lady (the person who was bulling me when I worked for The Company) I would just not be able to make it.

I don’t know what I would realistically do in this situation, I don’t want to say I’d comit suicide because I want to believe in my will to live, but who knows what would happen.

The second time I was stranded was when I came to see my parents at the beginning of March 2020 and lockdow was introduced a few days later. I remember that rather well. I came to Kraków on Monday and stayed in a hostel overnight. I came to Smardzewice on Tuesday and on Wednesdays government closed theatres, museums and cinemas. I got rather pissed off. I was meant to meet The Friend over the weekend and we often go to see a film together. On Friday on the news at 5pm someone from the government said that it’s not true further restrictions are going to be introduced, no one is planning to shut cafes and restaurants, those are just gossips. So I calmed down and didn’t watch any more news on that day. Around 8pm I saw Facebook post that claimed Poland introduced full lockdown. Not just cafes and restsurans will be shut but also shops, except of those that sell groceries, and borders will be shut. I thought that’s some kind of bad joke.

In both of those situations my mum was trying to help, hovering around, asking what I need. Sometimes her efforts were irritating but still it was good to have someone who’s interested in how I’m doing. Now she can’t help me any more and this is a source of a horrible anxiety for me.

What if, I’m thinking, I’d completely collapsed emotionally and wouldn’t be able to go back? Who’d help me? Would the council arrange for anybody if I go and ask? Would The Friend go with me if I paid for her tickets?

I was such a confident, frequent traveller at some point in my life, going from place to place. I once travelled home through Luxembourg and Germany by train. On other times I did similar trip through Prague (it’s a beautiful city) and Austria. And now the fact that I have to do covid test before departure is putting me off everything. I don’t know if it’s me or maybe just the fact that this trip was never meant to be a fun one so I look at the obstacles differently.