So yesterday I told myself that today I’ll write a letter to my mum’s bank. And today I woke up after only 4h of sleep. I didn’t feel anxious, I felt depressed, like if nothing made sense any more.

It’s a substantial amount of money that has been stolen. Not high enough to buy even small flat, not even in Poland, but I could live off my half for around a year. The other half would have to go to my brother and that’s already a bit of a problem because now I have to argue about that money knowing that I’ll have to share it with him and he’ll just spend it on drinking.

I am also worried about the bank response. So far they didn’t deal with the issue in any sensible way, fobbing us off for several months. I worry that I’ll have to read another response like that. And it suddenly seems like it’s not worth all the troubles. I start feeling small and insignificant. I also know that whatever amount we get refunded I will always feel like it’s not enough, like we’re still victims.

I find it difficult to move on from those feelings, I feel low and confused. I don’t know any technique that could help me here. I try to face my real feelings hoping this will help me move on, but it doesn’t. Hours pass and I’m still unable to move in any direction.

I tell myself that if writing on the blog about my true feelings about different areas of life helps me maybe I could try to write about my feelings regarding fraud, but it feels so difficult. What if, I’m thinking, mum’s bank will try to spy on me and they’ll find out I’m fed up? They will be even less inclined to return the money.

I realise, not for the first time, that my concept of money is not developed very well: as long as I have enough I’m not really bothered how much I earn. I wouldn’t change a job only because it pays more, I forgot to ask for refund for different services on a couple of occasions or possibly, I was fully aware that I should ask for it but I didn’t. I feel I don’t really understand the concept of money, it’s just a number on my bank statement, nothing more than that.

By saying that I didn’t mean that I overspend, quite the contrary, I’m quite careful with money, I just don’t ask for refunds or forget to cancel services I’m not using like if I didn’t matter.

And now I have to do exactly that: ask bank for refund of the money that has been stolen, knowing I may be fobbed off again. And also knowing that whatever we get back it will always feel like not enough, like we’re still victims.

But I know mum will ask if I did it and I’ll have to tell her the truth.