Yesterday I was fairly busy during the day so I didn’t go to see mum. I don’t know if I explained that her new care home is a few kilometres away from town, in the middle of nowhere? I could have probably gone towards the afternoon but I remember how tired and quiet she was when I saw her previous two days, when she said she needs time to get used to the new place. So I thought let me give her some time on her own. But I could have gone today and I didn’t.

First of all it turned out that her mobile, although keeps charging ok, doesn’t read the sim card properly so I had to go back to the place where I got it fixed yesterday, then I didn’t read bus time table correctly and I missed the bus to the village where the care home is. I could have still taken another one but I didn’t.

I came back to the hostel instead and laid down in bed. That’s where I am now. It’s 13.43.

Again, I don’t know how to proceed. I have a medium size suitcase in my hostel room full of mum’s clothes that I packed as I was getting ready to leave the house in Smardzewice on the last day of August. Mum didn’t have many clothes and everything fit into the suitcase perfectly. Two days ago she told me not to bring her any more clothes. But she barely have anything in the care home, mostly pjs and nighties but almost no day clothes. She’ll need more when she starts walking.

And her comment about not bringing more clothes added up to my own resistance: if I bring her the rest of her clothes it will be like she’s staying there. But she is staying there, isn’t she?

I still have to write the letter for the bank regarding the money that was stolen from her account. I don’t feel like I want to do that either. I just want to stay in bed and wait for everything to pass. I want my mum to come and fix everything that is broken, that’s what she always used to do.

I don’t want to play that infinite game any more. I just want to stay in bed and be sad.