Feeling guilty

Hostel is pretty busy the last 3 days. I think every room is taken now, but still it’s a small place in general so it’s not like there’s loads of people here.

I’ve heard a lady speaking on the phone in the hallway that she needs to have a rest and that’s why she’s here. I understood it quite literally, that she left home to have rest here. I suppose that could work for certain people, possibly for soneone who’s also autistic, although what I think is more likely is that I misinterpreted what she was saying.

For the last 3 days I’m on a strange diet: I have sweet bun from a cake shop on the way to town at around 10am then main meal around 12.30 in town, from the same cafeteria where me and mum used to eat when I was here and we went out shopping (I doubt I ever go there with her again) then ice cream shortly after and this is it. So I eat all my calories within like 3.5h gap and then just have drinks with a little bit of sugar. From what I know that is very similar to one of the form of intermittent fasting, but I don’t do that to fast, I do that to make my life easier and avoid evening trip to the kitchen that is in another building.

Lunches in cafeteria are rather large so I’m not hungry although I doubt that diet would work for me when I’m back at home. Eating a meal is a fantastic way of having a break from whatever I’m doing so if the kitchen is nearby I wouldn’t give up on that.

Traditionally main meal in Poland is eaten around 1pm and it contains soup as a starter and another dish called a second that could contain meat, potatoes and, what I already mentioned here ‘Polish coleslaw’ (shredded vegetables in vinegret dressing), braised cabbage or shredded beetroot. But second can also be a pancake with cottage cheese filling and a sprinke of cinnamon.


Two course meal would be too much for me so, depends on how hungry I am I either take second or just a soup.

I remember that when I was in psychiatric hospital in Poland, due to my suicidal tendencies after my first psychotic episode, I really liked their cottage cheese pancakes. I ate very little at the time as I felt I didn’t deserve to be fed after all those problems I put myself and my family through (not that my brother took any notice, although my dad asked at some point what was wrong with me). I lost quite a lot of weight but I was overweight to begin with so I looked normal despite not eating. But I often think about that time and suspect that if doctors didn’t put me on olanzapine at the end (it has a side effect of increasing appetite), I’d end up developing anorexia. I just really, really didn’t believe I deserved to eat.

But somehow I always ate those hospital pancakes.

Sometimes I feel like that now, like I don’t deserve to eat. Not too often, like at that time, and not when I’m hungry but when I just ‘want’ something, like let’s say my favourite yoghurt that’s not available in the UK or purple ‘Hungarian’ plums that I can only get now. I put myself through so much problems, I think, I don’t deserve those things.

And then I asked myself, what problems? I’m not responsible for the fact that my mum was a victim of fraud and she can’t live at home due to my brother’s drinking. I only lost my job but then I think, everyone would understand. I’ve been through so much… And yet, I continue to feel guilty for the fact that I’d like some well ripened Hungarian plums.

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