As you could probably notice I’m not sleeping very well lately. I fall asleep quite easily still but then woke up in the middle of the night or at times as early as an hour later due to anxiety. I noticed that publishing a post about my problems and emotions makes me fall asleep again, so I thought, let me try posting something before I go to sleep and see if, maybe, that will prevent me from waking up at all.
I feel very vulnerable with everything that is happening. It seems like I’m coping because I still get this minimum amount of sleep that is keeping me sane, I eat, I go out and weather is beautiful the last couple of days.
But sometimes I wish that I didn’t exist. At other times I hope that my life unfolds this way so that what is happening now won’t have much of an impact on me. It often feels like I have no control over the situation and I guess that’s part of the problem. Once in a while I have this thought that I’d never recover from that, never find a good job, or at least a job that I am ok doing and will have to remain on Universal Credit forever while only doing a couple of cleaning jobs here and there. I worry that I won’t be fit enough to get a physical job and nothing else will ever be offered to me.