After writing the previous post I managed to get some more sleep and woke up at 4.35. Since that time I’m terribly worried again. I have the thought coming to my head every so often that I shouldn’t do that, that I shouldn’t put mum into a private care home. That it will give me troubles. She has enough money for just under 4 years (previously I forgot to account for medication that are free in government care homes but not in the private ones), that is loads of time for situation to change. Possibly we should get some money back from the bank and my work situation should be stable by then. And yet I have this thought that the private care home will give me troubles.

I suppose when mum is there, I’d have to deal with stuff, that I wouldn’t have to do if she is in government care home. Even if she didn’t have a moisturiser no one informed me of that so it wasn’t my problem. I guess the staff there is used to the residents not having what they need.

So the thought that private care home will give me troubles is totally irrational, and yet, it appears in my head. But then, when I was working for Home Group, have I ever had the thought that I need to leave because staying will give me troubles? No, I did not. Quite the contrary, I believed that staying is the ultimate solution to my problems.

It’s my instinct that is all wrong. Some people say that when we listen to our inner voice, we win. Well, I won’t lie, it did happen a few times to me that listening to my inner voice brought me the solution I wanted. But there were even more situations where it brought me problems.

That’s why I so don’t like all the coaching industry as that’s what they seem to be saying: ‘the solution is within you’. No, it really is not.

To better ilustrate this problem I’ll give you a simple example: I use an online service from a certain company and, around the time when I was getting ready to open this website, I received an email from them stating they had a minor data breach a few hours earlier. It turned out that their newsletter was sent to customers without hiding their email addresses from other recipients. The email stated the newsletter was sent in batches of 100. I found and opened it and scrolled through emails of all the recipients to look for mine and finally I found it on the exact last position!

And I thought, why am I last? Seriously, why? And my instinct told me to contact that company and playfully ask them about that and then direct the conversation to my website. And I thought, seriously, why I’m having such a strange ideas, the staff at that company must feel stressed and worried and I want to use the situation to be playful? But it was my instinct, my inner voice that was telling me to do that. And, if I didn’t know I’m autistic and I have this problem sometimes, I’d totally do that.

Life can get very difficult when you can’t trust your inner voice.

It’s 5.45 now. Blogging helps me deal with all the pressure. I hope it won’t backfire, the way how I write about my personal life here. But it’s a blog about being autistic so everything I do applies.