I managed to make a mental leap finally, the same that I did when I realised that my interview is going to be published in two weeks, and I even managed to get some more sleep. It’s 7.48am now.
But when I woke up I realised that it was just my brain playing the finite game: my instinctive understanding was that if I kill myself I’m going to recover and everything will start over and I’ll have more chance to win.
I didn’t want to die, I only wanted the game to end and by killing myself I was hoping to speed up the process.
I did say before that my intention is to learn to play an infinite game, but how do I do that? My brain really insists on playing the finite ones, at least in certain arreas. Moving mum to a private care home is infinite game I guess: I know I’ll have some money later anyway and it’s more important how I feel long term about the standard of life she had in her final days than keeping the money.
Yet in other areas I find it very difficult to imagine that something will ever change.