Enablers

I don’t even want to give details here how my brother dealt with that leak but it ended up with him being drunk again while nothing was done. He seemed to have good intentions though when he was leaving the house.

I found out that there is one neighbour who regularly gives him food and another who gives him small amount of money.

I found a room in Tomaszów, in a hostel by the river. It would probably look very nice there if the weather was better and also I’m a bit concerned how I’m going to feel as there’s absolutely no one there as school holiday just ended. But I thought I’d be better off there than with my brother. Even though he leaves me to my own devices, everything here reminds me that we, as a family, are a failure.

Redecor

So I packed my and my mum’s stuff and will be heading off towards the bus stop soon. With two suitcases.

I considered asking someone for a lift but then I’d have to say what happened and how I feel. I’m not sure I want people to know.

Leak

After it’s been raining all day and all night the leak in the kitchen is pretty big and there is water on the counter. My brother is not really bothered, why would he be if he doesn’t even take rubbish or recycling out?

Redecor

If I try to fix it he’ll ony expect me to deal with every other issue that he has later on.

I think I’ll stay here for another two nights and then finally go to Łódź. Enough is enough.

I’d actually go today very happily but we’re meeting solicitor at 9am tomorrow, it would be difficult for me to make it.

Wake up call

That’s what my brother needs. How this can be delivered though?

I started wondering if I maybe should get someone to fix the roof when I get access to mum’s bank account. But this would mean staying here longer and I have my own life in the UK.

People who specialise in treating addiction say not to take any action that would cause the addict to avoid responsibility. I wonder how this mindset can be achieved. It is also my house and when the leaks do real damage the repair will be even more expensive. My brother may not be able to afford it, even if he stops drinking.

But isn’t it disgusting that I have to come from another country to deal with it? Anyway, it would need to stop raining first.

Redecor

Not sleeping

I got around 2h of sleep so far. I’m worried about what I’m going to find out when I go to mum’s bank. We didn’t have any control over what was happening with her money when she was in the UK, with me.

What if even more got stolen? Obviously it would then be easy to prove it wasn’t her as she was not in the country but I’d have even more problems to deal with.

One more sleep to power of attorney (except of tonight).

I still didn’t decide if I should stay here or go to Łódź to a hostel and then just commute if I have something to do in Tomaszów. It is a bit of financial trouble, now, when I’m not working, but also it feels in a way that staying here makes me better realise what’s happening with my brother. So far I was somehow disconnected from it. I mean, yes, obviously I knew he was drinking but somehow didn’t think much about it. It was my mum who was always dealing with consequences of his behaviour and possibly even protecting me from it.

So when I’m here it seems more real, possibly this is what I need. So that I remembered it all well when I’m in the UK.

Adjusting

I think I am adjusting to being in this environment. I can see that from the fact that I started planning again about who to contact regarding my diagnostician’s communication methods.

I also played some Redecor yesterday evening and may also do some today.

It’s raining heavily for a few hours now and I discovered two more leaks in the ceiling. The roof was only replaced a few years ago so that is really strange. Although my brother says there was a big hail a few months ago, which is possible, but then I suppose the leaks could be fixed somehow but my brother prefers to demand money to ‘rip it all off’. But the thing is, he’ll spend it all on drinking and then he’ll laugh.

Redecor

That is also my house and it will get ruined if walls are wet all the time. But I can’t stay here and chase people to fix it.

Why, seriously, why me?

Failure

That’s what people in the village will say, that my mum sold that nice piece of land but my brother was drinking so she couldn’t stay in her own house. She went to stay with me for a bit, but didn’t like it and finally I had to give her away to a private care home and all the money she had left from the land sale went for that.

But then, I think, it doesn’t really matter, does it? My brother would just blow it all off on alcohol for himself and his mates. He’d probably have nothing left after a month.

Failure, we are all a failure.

The purpose of life

I often wonder what is the purpose of life. Is it just to earn enough money for bills? I don’t want it to be like that, I crave something more, some kind of fulfilment, but I don’t know what it could be. I suppose I’d like to have an impact on the world, but in what sense? I suppose I’d like to have something to say about autism management, but no one is listening.

I never really wanted to have a family of my own, I was content enough with having a relationship, my mum and then my dad’s and brother’s problems. But I wanted to be heard, even if I didn’t know what to say. It never happened so far. No one is listening.

I called my mum’s care home and said I’m thinking about moving her private. They are ok with that. For some reason I thought they would give me problems.

Redecor

Mum will not be able to give me her support any more. No one will. I’m all by myself and still no one is listening.

It’s still raining.

I didn’t ask to speak with mum because if I told her I want to move her to a private care home she wouldn’t sign power of attorney. I’m all by myself.

Am I a bad daughter?

I have the impression that, according to society expectations, or at least how it looks in Poland, loving an elderly parent means protecting them from reality but what I was doing instead was trying to get my mum to face it.

So for example I should have regularly sent money to my brother and paid his bills but tell mum that he paid them himself and that I spoke with the neighbours and they said he’s not drinking. And he’s only not answering her phonecalls because he’s busy with work. He works every single day now because he wants to change.

Redecor

But I couldn’t do that. I can’t lie this way, plus what purpose does it serve? Nothing can ever get solved like that, it only gets manipulated around. But then, that’s why mum can’t walk now and it’s not like if my brother cares.

So possibly I was not right either. Truth doesn’t bring clarity. What does? Can someone tell me, I’m totally lost.

What can one do if they have an alcoholic in the family?

It’s raining

I managed another 1.5h of sleep so I’m really doing ok.

Weather is bad again, it’s raining and depressing. I don’t know what I will be doing today, I’ll probably go to the shop to get some more bread and another cheese spread. And possibly something for dinner.

What would happen if I refused to deal with it all? My brother would definitely not step up. He already said mum should be at home, even though there’s no one to help and she can’t walk. I’m disgusted with his attitude.

But I’m not that happy with my mum either. Why couldn’t she be content living with me? I really don’t understand that. She always wanted to spend more time with me and when she had me every day she suddenly preferred to focus on where my trousers are or how many packets of pasta I’ve got instead on just being content.

I wonder if she really believes that telling my brother that he needs to stop drinking is going to change anything? Is that why she wanted to come back?

The last day before leaving to the UK last year we sold a tiny bit of land to my neighbours, he wanted to park his cars in front of his property. My brother’s share would cover sensible quality walking shoes but he got himself (designer) sunglasses, even though it was September (I can’t see them anywhere now) and came back home totally drunk. I mean, I could then see that he was drunk. Mum started asking him when he has the rest of the money. It wasn’t much but you’d expect, after getting even a bottle of whisky, he still should have something left.

I wonder how long it will take him to blow off his inheritance. Obviously we may have nothing left, if mum stays in a private care home and she lives for another couple of years. My brother will kill me for that.

Counting sleep at 4.40am

Since my second psychotic episode I tend to count how many hours I slept when I go through stress. I went to bed just after 10pm so it’s enough for not developing another episode. I must say sleep wise I cope much better that I thought, I only had to take zopiclone twice since I came here (still, that’s more than when I was in the UK).

Otherwise I feel like I’m not really coping, still can’t make the decision that would be best for our family. I’m fed up with the fact that I’m on my own with it all.

Redecor
%d bloggers like this: